Would you imagine where a dream wouldn’t just be a dream, where a dream would be just another week’s planning? You could plan for a week, and when it matches, you match your schedule; would it be easier said than done? But in the end, it was just a dream.

You couldn’t just snap your fingers and have your wishes come true; the world is harder on you every time you try. It doesn’t matter whether you’re just imagining or working on something big. Well, it’s good to have a dream. I respect people who dream big, rather than “at least tomorrow I could eat” and don’t have wishes for what they could be later. It’s not about principle; it’s more about how they struggle. When you have a big dream, such as having a mansion in the middle of the forest, but the forest is also yours, you would work harder than before, motivated every second, every sweat, and every tear you shed.

Maybe I just wrote down a word that came into my head. At my lowest point, I had several times thought about ending my life here, but every time I did, I couldn’t let my family shed tears, I couldn’t let my partners down, I couldn’t end just like that, being a sinner. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t, not because I’m strong, but I couldn’t did because I was too weak to do it.

This uncertainty, too many things I need to think about: the economy, my company, the church, and my own life. I think my debts are piling up, but it’s not like I ran out of assets; it’s just that liquidity wasn’t in my hands that much.

It’s just like people said: it’s coming right now, what they call the “Quarter Life Crisis,” but it’s not just my personal life; I had debt for my own company. I don’t think I can afford the office rent that’s coming up, but I need to figure it out fast, as time is slowly ticking away. I couldn’t sell my properties; all I need right now is liquidation. Do I have any assets? Yes, did I have liquidation? ironically no.

That irony: company debt on me, combined with personal debt to me outside my own company? enormous, I don’t know where to start, as I ran out of liquidity, and the company didn’t just run out of money; it didn’t have steady revenue this year, what a majestic miscalculation. Well, the company didn’t need to pay me right now, but the employees I had to mouthfeed couldn’t be paid; their salaries were still postponed.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the wonderful trial that god gave to me, to know how I could withstand hard times like this. But I remember I always prayed so we don’t lead into temptation, so maybe this is not what god gave to us, but rather evil tempted us. Does this mean, given that I previously rejected an offer to be a clerk, that I should be ordained and become a deacon instead? I couldn’t afford to live as a lord’s servant right now; I’d rather work as hard so I could serve him with a gold offering.

Not much in the church could donate, but how silly that a deacon reminded me just in proper time, where he said, “don’t forget to come, just because you are in the lowest point, don’t just come when you have money”, and that hit me so hard, I thought of stopped visiting for a while, but that means I musn’t stopped now, I need to figure what I should done to overcome this situation.

I’d think to start the business inside the churches, not for my own gain, well, not entirely for my own, but I committed to offering the revenue to build the churches partly. I wonder where I could start, I mean, not in business ideas, which ironically I already have too many of them, but rather how in the world I could fund the operation? I wish to find them, the generous person who could put capital into the business, they would get a fair share too, everybody happy, what could possibly go wrong?

Maybe I’m too greedy? Am I lusty? Too much wrath? envious? Or I’m also a sloth? Stress makes me gluttonous enough, and I couldn’t think enough of it; I need to restrain myself. What have I possibly done until this day? Besides the sins, I think I donated enough. Or is it just a kind reminder that I shouldn’t be too proud of my title as church sponsor? It’s a deadly sin. Or I shouldn’t be arrogant? which is also a proud, deadly sin.